Question 8

Rubber Band: 

Responsive and attentive listening


(Authentic Happiness p202-6)

Lincolnisms “And this, too, shall pass.”

Talking and waiting (as we do, especially in marriage) is a poor formula for harmonious communication

The overarching principle of good listening is validation.

The speaker first wants to know that he has been understood.

The speaker then wants a sympathetic listener.

***The more serious the issue, the clearer you validation must be***

The most superficial problem of nonresponsive listening is simple it is


* external factors that could cause inattention: kids crying, deafness, a TV set on in the background, static on the phone --should be eliminated
* internal factors such as fatigue, thinking about something else, being bored, and most commonly, preparing your rebuttle.

for "hot-button (sensitive) topics use the

Speaker—listener Ritual:

get a ceremonial piece of carpet (or just use anything) that symbolizes the speaker who has the floor. As long as you hold the carpet you are the speaker.

When you are the speaker talk about your own thoughts and feelings, using "I" statements as much as possible.

When you are the listener be sure to paraphrase what you heard. Do not rebut, and do not offer solutions or try to problem solve. Your job is to show that you understand.

You will get your chance to rebut when you are handed the carpet.

Developing good listening skills will help you pay more quality attention to your spouse (or any other person)

Quantity is crucial

"quality time" does not make up for quantity (Seligman believes)