Question 9

Rubber Band: 

Styles of loving & being loved


(Authentic p185-194)

Two principles for making good love better: attention and irreplaceability

If we thought we could be replaced we would know their love was shallow

* Love is more than affection in return for what we expect to gain
* homo economics = human beings are fundamentally selfish
* In the Diener and Seligman study of extremely happy people, every person ( save one) in the top 10% of happiness involved a romantic relationship
* Married people are happier than anyone else
* Married people have the least depression and never-married people the next least

Cindy Hazen a Cornell psychologist states

There are Three Kinds of Love (and marriage gives us all 3):

1. the love of the people who give us comfort

2. we love the people who depend on us (parents for children)

3. romantic love --the idealization of another, idealizing their strengths and virtues and downplaying their shortcomings

Styles of Loving

* they have their origins in early childhood

* Secure love: relatively easy to get close to others; I am comfortable depending on them

They have less anxiety over the relationship and most important they are the most satisfied with marriage

*****Optimal configuration for romance = 2 securely attached people

o 3 aspects of secure people are caregiving, sex, and coping with bad events
o they avoid one-night stands
o Securely attached people and secure romantic relationships do better.

* Avoidant love: somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others; hard to trust completely

o Avoidant people are distant and insensitive when it comes to caregiving
o more approving of casual sex

* Anxious love: finds that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like; often worries that partner does not really love them; my desire can scare people away

o Anxious people are compulsive caregivers
o Anxious women become involved in exhibitionism, voyeurism, and bondage
o where men just have less sex

John Bowlby (p191) WWII and separating the orphans; Bowlby claimed that a strong parent-child bond was irreplaceable

Three Stages happen with this separation

1. protest crying, shaking, pounding
2. despair whimpering and passive listlessness
3. detachment alienation from parents but renewed sociability with other adults and other kids and acceptance of a new care giver

Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were the two pioneering infant researchers that gave the name of the behavior they studied "attachment"

Cindy Hazan and Phil Shaver claimed that "the same way you look at your mother when you are a toddler operates in intimate relations all though you life." Becoming your "working model"

Your "working model" is not rigid it can be influenced

*****For men: it is easier to love than to receive love *****